Birthday!

tis morning he msged me "happy birthday to you and wish u hv always happy. ur gift will b send at tis few days. yr end too much things hv to check and hv to go some places as well." more or else wat i xpected to hear fr him.... he will never ever keep to his promises to me anymore...... the moment he said tat he arrange all his things so tat he cld keep today free for me i oredi knew tat it will not happen at all....... like he asked once "who r u to me?!" i noe tat i m no longer in his heart n mind...... anyway, i oredi told myself numerous times not to put too much hope in watever he said n in tis relationship oredi so as not get hurt even worst..... i guess time is the best medicine........ infact, tat bloody bitch even dared to msged me "nothing much. jz wan to wish u happy birthday"...... i really dun noe wat they r really up to........ hvnt they played me enuff? i hv oredi given up n moved out of tis dreadful relationship oredi n now wat? wan to play me phsycologically? i m not tat strong oni...... tis relationship had me ended up so damn tired n xtremely sad........ i hv had enuff d...... all i wanted is a peaceful life after tis......... like i said b4, wat is love? love is pain! love is lots of pain.......

anyway, today is my birthday n my birthday wish is to forget all abt him n tat bloody bitch n all tat happened between us n to be happier than i used to b! so tats wat i shd b doing!

birthday wish

its my bday today! n i hope tat my yr ahead is better than watever tat i hv been thru the past 2 yrs...... i hope tat i can finally let go of all those memories n start over anew...... i hope i can finally close everything tat i gave him n lose contact...... no matter wat, i hope tat i will forget him once n for all........

even its my bday, he did not even wished me like he used to.... a week ago he promised to clear all his job to keep my bday free to accompany me but til now, there's totally no call at all..... i kept telling myself tat the more i put hope in him, the worst i will hurt myself n i guess tis will go on til i finally let go..... so i guess after today, i noe wat to do oredi..... 2 days ago was tat bitch's bday n i guess he mz hv celebrated viv her....... so i might as well forget him n all those tat happened...... its useless to still stick to the past which i noe will end viv nothing.....

anyway, happy birthday to myself n hope everything runs smooth for the yr ahead.......

do not how many ppl actually read tis blog of mine here yet i still wan to let every1 noe bout tis esp gals. sorry if any part of my blog hurts any1 but wat i m saying is the truth.

GALS! beware of any lady salesperson esp those who r bankers! if u r not careful enough, they even sneak their way to ur bf's or even husband's bed n snatch them away! they may come abt as being very innocent in their actions by offering to help u get ur loan approve but if u hv ur guy bside u jz beware! tis is wat happened to me! tis bloody bitch is attached viv a well-known leading foreign bank n doing personal loan sales. she came to me n my x-bf jz when we needed loan to help finance my x-bf's business to go on n she said she wld help. but unknown to me, they got to know each other better as my x-bf is in the vehicle service line n she wld come by the shop when i m not around n even in MIDNIGHT!!! when i felt sth was amiss, he oni told me tat both of them r oredi a couple(he claimed tat its 1 of his plan to get her to help viv the approval) n tat there's nothing real btw them !!!! n guess wat! I CAUGHT THEM ON BED!!!! when i wanted to move over to slap tat bloody bitch, my x actually held me back n hit me hard!!! i never actually tot tat he wld do tat me for he claimed tat he loves me very much but tats wat really happened!!! u mz feel tat i m stupid n out of my mind tat even after tat i still held on to the relationship cos he promised to leave tat bloody bitch when everything is settled but in the end, he broke his promises, all his promises to me....

it took me so long to write tis warning msg out is bcos i tot tat if he really meant wat he said to me n come back after everything is settle, i wld let go of all tis. but now tat it din, i jz wan to let ebery1 noe bout tis!!! i hated tis bloody bitch viv vengance n really hoped to c her dead!!!! if its not bcos of tat bloody loan, i wld hv been happily married to the 1 love so dearly! i felt so ashamed for the bank tat she's attached viv for i really wan to noe wat their management actually teach their salesperson. Did they really teach them to sleep viv their customers to achieve their sales target? Did they really teach them to snacth their customers away from their spouse or gfs? WAT THE HECK!!!! i really felt so DAMN ashamed for i myself is oso in the banking line but never did my mgt teach me bout all tis!!! mayb its bcos they r a foreign bank n foreigers r open bout all tis but not in MALAYSIA!!!!!! no matter how open minded malaysian scan b, tis is wat sth malaysians r unable to accept!!!!

tis is not the oni case tat i noe of... i heard of another lady salesperson tat actually sneaks her way to her customers bed and was caught by her bf n he ended their relationship on the spot! GALS! Y do we wan to let all tis kind of bitches roam around the streets to look for their 'victim' n then plan their way to their bed n then snacth them away? Do u wan to fall victim to tis bitches n ruin ur happiness? i can frankly tell u tat i hated the mgt of tis bank too for they never take care of their staff n let them do tis kind of dirty things!!!

the true meaning of love

L.O.V.E. wat exactly is the meaning behind the word "LOVE"? used to blieve in LOVE but now i dun... LOVE is jz a lie.... LOVE is jz a past time.... LOVE is the EQUIVALENT OF HURT! LOVE is oso a waste of time, money n effort.... as a buddhist i shd blieve tat the buddha has everything planned for us but i guess he mz hv forgetten bout me cos he's been xtremely bz planning for too many ppl. so he had me in the learning class where i wld actually hurt to learn, hurt to learn n hurt to learn until he is done planning for everyone in the world oni he will plan for me..... but by then i wld hv hurt n learn for infinite times til i m oredi exhausted n had no more strength to go on viv his new plans for me anymore.... though tis relationship hurts me worst, i blieve i wld still come out fr tat in time to come.... if there's a potion tat can erase sum memory, i wld actually drink it for i wan to erase the 2 yrs fr my mind.... everyday i wake up hoping tat day by day i wld erase a little bit of the past n replace it viv new, happier memories but i guess it will hunt me still for a time being.... but no matter how, i blieve tat i get thru all tis after awhile....

i really do not understand him at all.... he chose to ask me to leave him n not care bout him n yet, off n on when i do not tell him everything anymore, he wld scold me for not telling n asking y i din tell him.... wat exactly does he wan fr me? wat exactly is going thru tat pig head of his? he was the one whom asked me to leave him n not care n though it hurts so damn badly n after so long of his request, i finally did it but he keeps coming back.... he comes back n lied again n again.... ever since leaving him, his words to me were oni lies.... all i cld think of him was jz hate.... i hated him for i hv bcome.... hated him for wat i hv turned to be..... hated him for all the hurt tat i chose to overcome viv hoping tat it wld lead us to better future but din turn out the way it shd b..... most ppl say tat in a relationship, we mz not hold on too tight for it will fall out.... instead we mz learn to loosen the grip so tat it will stay.... though i blieve in it, i oso blieve tat if a person wans to change, no matter ur grip is tight or loose, he will still change.....

in conclusion, the lesson tat i learnt is to protect myself.... being selfish is no longer like it used to b..... being selfish is the best way to protect myself fr hurt.... i guess tis is the best way to go......

really dun understand guys...... broke up oredi la, do i still need to rpt to him of all i did, when i m on leave n wat happen to me ma? y mz i tell him? is there a gd reason to tat? frankly i din even wan to tok to him if its not bcos of my car..... he owes it to me to do my car......... sumtimes i dun understand...... tis is the relationship tat ends in the worst way n hurts me the worst but i got thru it after i went to genting....... now even tokking to him oso dun feel like it at all........ even though i still feel the twisting of heart at times when i tot of 'us' but the feeling is no longer as painful as it was b4........ b4, even the tots of breaking up twisted my heart so badly tat it hurts for quite sumtime after thinking....... even the painful n hurtful memory hurts me to the core........ now, i oni jz wan to erase all those tat happened in the 2 yrs......... i wld rather tat i din noe him at all....... if oni i cld turn back time, tats one of the thing tat i wld do - wld rather not noe him at all, wld rather tat i din get too close to him other than a fren......... at least i wun hurt tis bad.........



now on, the road tat i chose for myself to walk on actually does not include anyone else xcept myself..... mayb being selfish is the best way for me for i will hv wat i wan n do wat i wan to do..... b4 tis doomed relationship, i never wanted to get a bf cos i felt tat having to rpt to sum1 on everything i did is the most stupid thing to do..... i blieved tat freedom is ours to njoy.... y mz we tie ourselves like tat n lose our freedom....... but it changed when i met him....... tot tat he is the one n i tried my utmost best to change for him but i guess he will never c wat i did for him for he is blinded by others as well as he will never appreciate all my doings for him...... i can choose to hate him viv a vengance but i guess i wun b able to live my life happily....... so i chose to erase everything from DAY 1 to LAST DAY........ i blieved tat to erase needs time but i oso blieve tat i will breeze thru tis in no time........ it may hurt but i guess tats the best way to go......

a mth later

really do not noe how come i hv tis feeling. out of sudden i totally hv no interest in guys. mayb oni for looking but no feelings at all. now i really blieve tat i was hurt to the core tat i felt tis way. i guess now all i wanted for myself is single life's freedom. i hv learnt not to follow a guy's heed n tat it shd b the other way round. i hv learnt tat i shd stand to my point n he shd follow me instead. i hv also learnt tat i shd not give so much in a relationship. i shd hv let him give more. the most important of all, i shd not love a guy at all until i feel tat he is sure n gives all of his to me. mayb tis way i will b happier in the relationship. at least i wun get hurt tis way. the other thing is appreciation. if he does not appreciate me at all then pls go to hell further away fr me. no matter wat, i swear tat i wun repeat wat i hv been thru in the past relationship.



bcos he did not noe the meaning of appreciation, i bcame a fool n suffered tis much. i earned nothing in return xcept blames tat i put him into all tis debts n existing position. watever it is, i jz wan to enjoy the newly found freedom now. i hv been an xtreme fool as he had wanted to end our relationship for so many times. n the 1 time tat he said exactly a mth ago was the 10th time! THE 10TH TIME! no matter how it hurts my heart, i hv had it!!!!! leaving is the best way to go n the best solution for our relationship.



i hv a fren who is in almost the same situation as i m, i told her to do wat others told me to do then but she wld not listen. so i guess i hv to let her learn the way i did. hurt to the core n she will stop in her tracks to let go of all the things. i jz din wan to say more oredi. i understood her pain tats y i jz let her drink all she wanted last nite. i jz hope she can c wat i was trying to tell her soon n come to her senses.

the dream

2 days ago i had a dream. i dreamt tat i met tat bloody bitch who is heavily pregnant on the road sumwhere tat i dun recognise. the moment i saw her, the anger in me rose n i was so angry tat i actually walked up to her, called out her name n when she turned, i actually slapped her in the face. then before i walked off, i pushed her to the ground. i left her to bleed to death n din even bother to help her. in the same dream i even heard tat she married tat idiot n is bearing his child. i got even angrier, i jz walked away... tis proves how much i hated tat bloody bitch! even in the dream oso i wan to do like tis! i guess if tis happens in real life i will do tat lo cos i really hated her so much tat i feel like killing her! i bcame like tis all thanks to an idiot! an idiot who had make a fool out of me!

17days after

17 days later...... i realised tat i totally dun noe wat to say to him anymore....... infact i guess he felt the same too....... for 1/2hr we sat in the car but said nothing....... suddenly when reality hit back tat we were no longer wat we used to b n hv things to say to each other, my tears actually fell.............. if oni we had never started, all tis wun happen n i will still b the happy go lucky self...... for the period of time he din even said a single thing....... until at last he said tat he will try his best to meet me up for dinner tomolo nite tat it triggered my angry nerve...... i got out of the car w/out a word n left viv him screaming bhind me if its ok to meet tomolo nite....... after leaving the car i actually felt tat i did the rite thing....... all tis while i hv been too soft hearted n listen too much to him d........... last nite he said tat he will b leaving pg soon n going to kl to work as he was offered a better deal....... i may hv snapped back at him but i felt tat it will b the best decision done........ although i was hoping tat i cld leave pg but mayb a vacation helped...... his decison to leave may jz b the best for both of us...... ppl say 'out of sight out of mind'..... i hoped tis will apply to me soon......... letting go of tis past far bhind me will do me good for the yrs to come....... lets jz pray tat i will breeze thru tis in peace n calmly..............

KAMPATEI! KAMPATEI! KAMPATEI!

Something Tat I Oredi Noe....... Now

tis is another song tat actually describe my feelings now after i realised wat actually went wrong.......

Backstreet Boys' Something That I Already Know

Here we are
Seven days
And seven nights of empty tries
It's rituals, habitual
But it's never gonna work this time

We're to the point of no return
And along the way the only thing we've learned
Is how to hurt each other
I'm looking back and wondering why
It took so long to realize
That nothing's changed, it never will
All these years of standing still
And still we stay, in all this pain
And nothing's going to make it go away

I don't want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't want to wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know

So save your voice
Don't waste your breath
Can't you see we're at the end?
This goodbye, it's permanent
So wish me well
And try to forget

All the fights
And all the ways
We almost made it
But we never did
And finally it's come to this

I don't want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't want to wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know

We cannot hide what we've become
So sick and tired of being loved
It's done, it's done, it's done

I don't want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby, you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't want to wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
'Cause I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
'Cause I know
'Cause I know

exactly 2 weeks later

exactly 2 weeks later, after all tat happened, he actually msged me n asked if i m angry viv him n even called me twice. but ever since i came back fr genting, even though i din let go of all, i felt as though i hv let go oredi. i dun even hv the mood for all tat he will b saying..... cos watever tat will b coming out fr his mouth will still b lies tat he made up...... even if he insist tat its the truth oso, i guess i wun blieve him now onwards..... i hv been fooled more than enuff d..... i m all cried out for him n now i guess i can finally move on viv my life....... though my heart hurts due to all tat happened but now i blieve tat i live on w/out him..... used to think tat i wun b able to live w/out him but now i guess i will succeed but its a matter of time......... but i blieve i will make it! KAMPATEI!!!!!!!

almost 2 weeks later

coming 2 weeks oredi n i started to get better as i go on.... now i felt sane again..... finally felt tat i m back on earth n standing on my own feet....... when most ppl welcome single life, i dun..... it felt like hell at 1st but now i felt different..... thanks to the trip i made to genting the past weekend..... as i hoped for, i let go of wat i should when i was there n came back w/out the baggage of hurt. now i felt tat all i did was stupid.... especially when wat i did was to a person who does not noe how to appreciate...... sad? OF COS! hurt? DEFINATELY! chances of getting back? NO! shopping malls used to hv tis tagging tat says "once broken considered sold". well, noe it shd read 'once broken considered done'. frens? i guess i wld rather not keep a fren like tat....... if not, i will b bound to remember all tat he did to me........ mayb not now....... give it 5yrs or more later when i finally forgive him, MAYB i will b able to keep him as a fren..... but now, i dun think so.......

the aftermath of a long suffering

tis past few days was not happy for me at all. we had more quarrels. n it got worst. it seems like he totally din wan to continue tis relationship at all n wan me to leave, no. i shd say he wans me to say tat i wan to break. y when i told him 4 days ago, he laughed at my face n take it as though i was joking but now he wans me to do jz tat. i really do not understand him at all. i went fortune telling last weekend n the fortune teller told me tat he is not mine. at tat moment, i tot i had made up my mind to leave him but when i get back home i found myself din wan to.

i cld still remember those times when he had asked wat will i do if i ever found out tat he had another behind my back. i told him tat i wld leave immediately cos if i go on longer, i will hurt even more but he scolded me for being stupid. he said tat i shd at least fight back cos i might jz get him back cos he may still love me even if he had another. he asked me thrice n my answers was still the same. but when it happened, i had wanted to leave immediately but when i tot of his question n answer, i gave it a try n got myself into tis position now. i felt like i m a bloody idiot to hv followed his answer. i shd hv jz followed my original heart n doings n jz leave. but i didn't n now i m hurting like hell. i fought back like he told me to but wat did i get? hurting words n more hurting words! if i had chosen to leave immediately, at least i wun feel so cheap n used like i felt now after so many hurting words.

it has been a yr since i started to his quest to fight back n now when i looked back, i really felt tat i shd not hv been so softhearted. afterall tat i hv done for him, given him n all i got was all tis hurt which i m not sure will last how long b4 it goes away. i really hope n pray tat i will stand up stronger soon. how stupid i cld b to think tat i wan to marry him n hv children viv him last time when all he wanted was jz a come n go gf viv no strings attach. guys in tis generation hv made me finally truly c tat they no longer follow their parents' generation of looking for a life partner viv love. guys tis generation will never learn how to love, how to care n mayb tats y most gals tis generation actually chose to b a lesbians.

me? i will follow wat i belief n do jz tat. guys to me r nothing than jz needing their sperm for my baby which i will take care on my own. since young i hv alwiz believe tat i will b a single mother when the time comes. i will provide for my child without the help of a husband at all. if i ever have a baby, i will not let him noe at all. he does not hv to assume his paternal responsibilty at all n does not hv to give me any money at all to bring up tis child n dun even need his existance during the growing up period. but i guess tis belief will hv to hold on until the time comes. now, i jz hope i m stronger to stand up on my own go on tis route alone.

hurt tat will never end but hoped tat it will end

sumtimes i dun understand wat actually goes in the head of his.... 2yrs ago when it started, he asked for a chance for him to care for me the rest of my life n i agreed but now viv just a reason tat he no longer can provide for like he can do previously, he asking me to leave him! n he used to tell me how much he loved me forever n ever n never change but now he is telling me tat he dun need love now! then wat was i? where do i stand? did he ever tot of tat? did he ever tot tat tis is hurtful? i m not as materialistic as most gals can b n do not ask for much just his love n his assurance tat i m his..... but i guess i m oni hurting myself going on like tat cos he will never care to understand my feelings n tots now tat he 'dun need love now' n 'kenot provide for me' anymore.......

i just wish i cld let go damn long ago so tat i dun feel tis pain now. infact i got so damn fed up n told him 'if going on is so hard then break!' n he said 'gd idea! haha! u mz b joking!' i really dun understand him anymore. how, when he cld say tat to me so many times n yet we were still together cos i din wan to let go, but when i said tat, he take it as though i was joking? wat is he trying to do? really sad tat it has to b tis way. mayb letting go is the best thing tat i shd do to free myself from all tis pain n yet he din wan to. was i not serious enuff? or did he not understand the meaning of break?

i had a feeling tat he will never learn to love despite being previously attached to his x for 8yrs n then me for 2yrs. he will never grow up in his thinking in his relationship. if i m a materialistic gal, i wld not hv chosen him at all 2 yrs ago cos i had a better choice then n tis other guy pampers me very much. watever tat i wanted or said tat i like, tat particular thing will appear at my doorsteps without fail even if it's an xtremely hard to get cd, but he went all the way to get it for me! if i had chosen the other guy, now i wld b the luckiest gal among my frens n wld b happier. but i did not n m not, tats y i m hurting inside!

i hv tried all my best hoping tat all tis problems will clear off n he n i wld then get back together again like it used to b but i guess all my efforts went down the drains! there's nothing i can say now xcept hope i cld stand up stronger n let go of tis all. viv tis i attach a lyrics tat really describe my feelings now.

Only Love by Trademark

2am and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough
If we learn to trust

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'll give my dreams just one more chance
To let this be our last goodbye

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

That's something only love can do