almost 2 weeks later

coming 2 weeks oredi n i started to get better as i go on.... now i felt sane again..... finally felt tat i m back on earth n standing on my own feet....... when most ppl welcome single life, i dun..... it felt like hell at 1st but now i felt different..... thanks to the trip i made to genting the past weekend..... as i hoped for, i let go of wat i should when i was there n came back w/out the baggage of hurt. now i felt tat all i did was stupid.... especially when wat i did was to a person who does not noe how to appreciate...... sad? OF COS! hurt? DEFINATELY! chances of getting back? NO! shopping malls used to hv tis tagging tat says "once broken considered sold". well, noe it shd read 'once broken considered done'. frens? i guess i wld rather not keep a fren like tat....... if not, i will b bound to remember all tat he did to me........ mayb not now....... give it 5yrs or more later when i finally forgive him, MAYB i will b able to keep him as a fren..... but now, i dun think so.......

the aftermath of a long suffering

tis past few days was not happy for me at all. we had more quarrels. n it got worst. it seems like he totally din wan to continue tis relationship at all n wan me to leave, no. i shd say he wans me to say tat i wan to break. y when i told him 4 days ago, he laughed at my face n take it as though i was joking but now he wans me to do jz tat. i really do not understand him at all. i went fortune telling last weekend n the fortune teller told me tat he is not mine. at tat moment, i tot i had made up my mind to leave him but when i get back home i found myself din wan to.

i cld still remember those times when he had asked wat will i do if i ever found out tat he had another behind my back. i told him tat i wld leave immediately cos if i go on longer, i will hurt even more but he scolded me for being stupid. he said tat i shd at least fight back cos i might jz get him back cos he may still love me even if he had another. he asked me thrice n my answers was still the same. but when it happened, i had wanted to leave immediately but when i tot of his question n answer, i gave it a try n got myself into tis position now. i felt like i m a bloody idiot to hv followed his answer. i shd hv jz followed my original heart n doings n jz leave. but i didn't n now i m hurting like hell. i fought back like he told me to but wat did i get? hurting words n more hurting words! if i had chosen to leave immediately, at least i wun feel so cheap n used like i felt now after so many hurting words.

it has been a yr since i started to his quest to fight back n now when i looked back, i really felt tat i shd not hv been so softhearted. afterall tat i hv done for him, given him n all i got was all tis hurt which i m not sure will last how long b4 it goes away. i really hope n pray tat i will stand up stronger soon. how stupid i cld b to think tat i wan to marry him n hv children viv him last time when all he wanted was jz a come n go gf viv no strings attach. guys in tis generation hv made me finally truly c tat they no longer follow their parents' generation of looking for a life partner viv love. guys tis generation will never learn how to love, how to care n mayb tats y most gals tis generation actually chose to b a lesbians.

me? i will follow wat i belief n do jz tat. guys to me r nothing than jz needing their sperm for my baby which i will take care on my own. since young i hv alwiz believe tat i will b a single mother when the time comes. i will provide for my child without the help of a husband at all. if i ever have a baby, i will not let him noe at all. he does not hv to assume his paternal responsibilty at all n does not hv to give me any money at all to bring up tis child n dun even need his existance during the growing up period. but i guess tis belief will hv to hold on until the time comes. now, i jz hope i m stronger to stand up on my own go on tis route alone.

hurt tat will never end but hoped tat it will end

sumtimes i dun understand wat actually goes in the head of his.... 2yrs ago when it started, he asked for a chance for him to care for me the rest of my life n i agreed but now viv just a reason tat he no longer can provide for like he can do previously, he asking me to leave him! n he used to tell me how much he loved me forever n ever n never change but now he is telling me tat he dun need love now! then wat was i? where do i stand? did he ever tot of tat? did he ever tot tat tis is hurtful? i m not as materialistic as most gals can b n do not ask for much just his love n his assurance tat i m his..... but i guess i m oni hurting myself going on like tat cos he will never care to understand my feelings n tots now tat he 'dun need love now' n 'kenot provide for me' anymore.......

i just wish i cld let go damn long ago so tat i dun feel tis pain now. infact i got so damn fed up n told him 'if going on is so hard then break!' n he said 'gd idea! haha! u mz b joking!' i really dun understand him anymore. how, when he cld say tat to me so many times n yet we were still together cos i din wan to let go, but when i said tat, he take it as though i was joking? wat is he trying to do? really sad tat it has to b tis way. mayb letting go is the best thing tat i shd do to free myself from all tis pain n yet he din wan to. was i not serious enuff? or did he not understand the meaning of break?

i had a feeling tat he will never learn to love despite being previously attached to his x for 8yrs n then me for 2yrs. he will never grow up in his thinking in his relationship. if i m a materialistic gal, i wld not hv chosen him at all 2 yrs ago cos i had a better choice then n tis other guy pampers me very much. watever tat i wanted or said tat i like, tat particular thing will appear at my doorsteps without fail even if it's an xtremely hard to get cd, but he went all the way to get it for me! if i had chosen the other guy, now i wld b the luckiest gal among my frens n wld b happier. but i did not n m not, tats y i m hurting inside!

i hv tried all my best hoping tat all tis problems will clear off n he n i wld then get back together again like it used to b but i guess all my efforts went down the drains! there's nothing i can say now xcept hope i cld stand up stronger n let go of tis all. viv tis i attach a lyrics tat really describe my feelings now.

Only Love by Trademark

2am and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough
If we learn to trust

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'll give my dreams just one more chance
To let this be our last goodbye

But only love can stay
Try again or walk away
But i believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So i just play my part
Pray you'll have a change of heart
But i can make you see it through
That's something only love can do

That's something only love can do