last day of January 2008

today was quite bz..... so many things to do n so many phone calls to answer......... time is so precious cos too many things to do n follow but lack of time...... my filing is as high as i m when i m sitted at my chair!!! wat to do...... my partner is a preggers n kenot carry things, kenot do pressuring jobs, so i hv to do lo........ sum more, today a customer of mne came to submit the letter of offer tat he missed out when submitting his e-banking form but i cld not find the form tat he previously submitted to me!!! i remembered xtremely clearly tat i put it in a bundle of outstandings n tied it viv a rubberband the day b4 yesterday n then place it on top of my files next to me n yet today i can't find the form......... things r like tat wan..... when u look for it, u wun b able to find it wan! but when u do not wan to find it, it will appear fr no where........ oredi a few times happened to me............ in the end, i called the customer n apologized n asked if he cld come n sign the form for me again n xpected to b scolded by the customer but he did not...... i offered to bring him the form so tat he does not hv to come by twice as he needs his son to sign as well but he insisted tat he will drop by......... so i really cross my fingers n prayed damn hard n hope tat i will b able to find the form instead! plus, today i got my 1st ang pow of 2008 CNY!!!! given to me by a regular customer of mine........ hehe!!!

jz now i was browsing thru my friendster profile n came across a viewer whom i dun really noe but when i went thru her profile oni to realise tat she is related to a fren tat i noe....... n while going thru her pix, i saw a picture viv my fren n gf in it n then i felt sth funny........ so i went to search for the gf's profile n saw quite a lot fr her profile......... out of sudden i felt bad.......... she seems to b a very nice gal n i felt bad doing things tat i shdn't do to her.......... but, like a fren of mine once said, when the need arises, at times u jz can't seem to help but to jz do the wrong thing.............. at times i really dun noe wat i m doing when it comes to relationships................... frankly i do not ask much for a guy..... jz hope tat tis guy is honest n 1312 (in cantonese) to me oni but look like its sth tat is totally out of my reach! guys tat i noe dun seem to fulfil tat....... its either he end up cheating on me or he is oredi sum1 else's bf............

i dun noe wat kind of a relationship i m currently in now n where i stand viv him.......... i never ask much fr him infact! but he seems to b way out of my reach as he is blonged to........ tat is y i once said, i m a very unlucky gal in terms of love n the god had left me fr all his plannings every yr............ so no matter how much i hope for sth, it will never happen to me cos god dun love me anymore............ even the god oso dun love me oredi, no wonder ppl around me oso dun love me....... sad.............. really sad.....................

30th January 2008

no doubt today i m not working, but i hv been xtremely busy.... early in the morning oredi my mum come n wake me up for market then after all those things buying, i headed to my uncle's hse for prayers...... then went to the bank for awhile then back to my uncle's hse for lunch then fetched my mum fr work..... then when i tot i can go n do balanving n alignment for my car, the trye shop is fully booked! so in the end, i went for my facial instead............. then headed back home....... n slept like a pig for 2 hrs til dinner time....... every yr at times like tis esp a week b4 CNY onwards, my family will start to eat chicken n pork a lot til by the time CNY, my mum's curry chicken becomes a no-no to me cos i jelak oredi......... b4 CNY oredi eat fattening food, like tat my clothes can go on hanging in the wardrobe oredi cos got fatter in this few days time......... haih................... tomolo onwards kenot eat chicken or pork oredi.......... eat bread instead...... n apples for dinner since so much of fruits in the fridge..... if not my mum will start nagging again...... oredi jz now nagged me oredi cos the fridge is full of fruits but no 1 is interested in finishing it........ n me alone can eat how much la.................. pity me nia............. alwix oso i kena wan......................... plus, i hv been repeated watching romantic princess for countless times oredi n yet still wan to watch again! my god! actors n actresses r both handsome n pretty..... the storyline is very nice n sum more very funny............. really can't watch enuff man! sum more got hanakimi leh................... my god! too free oredi til watch over n over again!

29th January 2008

damn! today is oredi tuesday n in 3 days time one of my best fren, wee lee will b back in penang oredi n on sat nite, another best fren, gnn will reach penang too! n next thursday is oredi CNY!!!!! today was quite busy for me..... fr the moment i reach office til i finish work, i hv been non-stop working my pants off! sum more so much phone calls for me! wat the heck! oredi so busy viv walk in customers sum more non-stop phone calls....... haih................ anyway, tomolo i m on leave so i can relax for a day..... hehe! but i bet tomolo i m still very bz lo...... my mum oredi planned to wake me up at 6.30am for market then go my uncle's hse to pray...... tomolo is my bloved grandmother's death anniversary...... its been 11yrs oredi since she passed away n the memory of being viv her still lingers in my mind....... she cared for me since i was 2 yrs old til her dying day in 1997, January 23. even though she had left me 11 yrs ago, i still feel her presence beside me like when i was small....... i can still feel tat she is caring for me......... life without her by my side was like hell! strings of bad luck bfall me up til now...... the oni gd things tat happened to me was the best frens tat i found n my family members...... life is like tat..... when she was still here, i was a very naughty gal alwiz like to make her angry but when she is not araound oredi oni miss her so much! I REALLY MISS U, AH MA! I WISH U WERE HERE VIV ME! :-(

time is flying!

one more week to go n its CNY oredi! can't believe it! we've oni started to get buzy viv CNY notes changing n red packets giving out like hot cakes! haih..... today was very buzy.... sum more let customer scold! lagi no mood! anyway, today breeze thru nicely other than the scolding...... its oredi bcoming part of the job oredi..... getting so used to it oredi...... n i still can't get enuff of my wu chun! sum more jiro n calvin! my my....... wu chun is damn cute! still can't finish repeating romantic princess as well as hanakimi......... hehe!!!!! for sum ppl, dun get jealous over tis 3 guys tat i like so much! they r too far for my reach la!

sth tat i finally discover lately

ever since tat day when i found out his other h/p no, i hv been thinking quite a lot.... i knew a long time ago tat he had tis new no for tat bloody bitch to contact him n vice versa but i din noe bout the no til recently..... n i..... i felt so irritated n disturbed..... so i had tots of cancelling the 2 lines i sub to him since he no longer needs it..... then i remembered tat he once told me "i will go on using tis lines tat u give me until u stop the services. i will keep tis line on all the time for u to call me anytime." i asked around my closest frens n they advised me to stop the services since he has his own other no oredi..... they were asking y i still din wan to stop the service cos we hv oredi broken up oredi n no longer need to keep in touch.... frankly, tats wat i tot too! n frankly i oredi had a solution n the solution is to keep the line til when i m about to move hse. on the day of moving or a day or two later, i will go n stop the services of both lines n then drive to his office n leave all his blongings to him n then go home n the next day start a new life but i do not noe how many ppl will actually by my solution.....

jz now when i was cleaning out my bookshelfs, i came across all those things he n i had together n letters i wrote after he confessed of cheating n promises to change for the better but i realised tat all was never meant to be...... during tat time, i actually had a choice of leaving of him or stand by him but i chose the second one n suffered for a yr since making tat dreadful decision...... i still remembered tat the reason i chose to stand by him is bcos i blieved tat he will stop all his doings n stay viv me for the rest of our lives but i was wrong..... he will never change.... he will never noe how to appreciate me n my doings n my love for him cos he never c me, never put me in his heart at all..... its like i m jz a past time for him while he finds himself as well as look for better ones............ then my mum saw his video cam n asked me... when i said tat it blongs to him, she asked me to return to him since tat we were no longer together..... i hv been thinking bout tat a long time ago n was thinking tat when i return all his things, it will include tat when i moved hse n stop services of the lines........

i do not noe if i wld actually start a relationship anytime now viv the same attitude of 3 yrs ago..... i do not noe if i wld actually forget all tat happen esp things tat happened after he confessed...... watever happened in tat 1 yr after he confessed pained me to the core n left me shattered esp wat he did on the 15th of april 2007........ i guess i will never forget tat day n wat he did for the rest of my life!!!

I M IN LOVE!!!!!!!!

never knew tat it would b tis fast tat i actually fell in love oredi.... I M REALLY IN LOVE!!!!!! god!!!! y is he so yeng leh? sum more body got abs leh! sum more tall! sum more cute! sum more he is fr brunei!!!! wan to noe who i m tokking abt? haha! ITS WU CHUN OF FAHRENHEIT!!!!!!!! GOD! i m so damn in love viv him! head over heels in love viv him! so yeng! if its not for Romantic Princess which he starred in, i dun even noe tat there's a guy like him alive man!!!!!!!1

flash backs!

dun noe y tis few days i suddenly tot of the past tat i vow so much to forget... n my heart aches when i tot over it..... y did it hv to end tis way? is it me who held on too tightly tat he had no room to breathe? is it me who led him to all tis trouble? is it me who gave him too much tat he suddenly realised tat he cld no longer accept? is it me tat made him to treat me tis way? is it me tat said too much but did nth to help him tat led him til the way he is now? is it me tat is not up to his stds? is it me tat does not suit wat he is looking for? is it me tat he hates so much now? as much as i did not wan to remember all tat, it came crawling fr nowhere in my mind n bug me.... bits by bits of wat happen in the 2 yrs n wat he said during our last few mths kept haunting me n it really hurts! watever he said n did tore me into pcs..... even i felt tat i m stupid to keep having hopes tat he will come back to me when he settles everything but i really hv tis hopes!!! when oni will i finally let go? when oni will finally forget? my mistake was tat i put in too much into tis relationship..... tats y i m hurting like hell! i loved him too much! infact i still do! i really dun noe wat he is thinking abt n wat he had intended..... all tat i noe is watever he did n intended to do hurted me to my core n broke me into pcs......... no wonder i cld not wear the ring tat he gave me at all.... the moment i wore it, my finger wld itch n then start to swell...... is tat wat my grandma is trying to tell me? is she trying to give me sum clues tat he is not mine at all? when my finger 1st itch, i din tot of it at all...... but each n everytime i wore the ring n it starts to itch, i got curious.... infact i even tot tat i may not suit wearing gold rings n oso tot tat he may not be mine tats y my finger itch to tell me cos the ring he gave me was to b worn on my wedding finger...... we even tot of registering tat yr when he gave me tat ring....... but now..... sumtimes i really blieved tat my grandma is looking out for me.... cos when in times like tis, there will b sum signals...... now i noe...... if she is still here, i wld not even end up like tis cos i wld not noe him at all...... now all i hope is for me to hv more strength in me to stand up again n climb back up fr the black hole tat i was tossed into n then cut ties viv tis person..... i blieve tat i can lead a better life w/out him...... let him b a part of the past in the life of tis lotus gal forever....... lotus gal will survive! lotus gal will stand up again! lotus gal will succeed! lotus gal will lead a better life than them! lotus gal will get all her hopes n wishes fulfilled! LOTUS GAL HOORAY! LOTUS GAL HOORAY! LOTUS GAL HOORAY! i guess my frens hv been hoping tat i will stand up n forget him...... i guess all my frens hopes for me to stand up n return to being myself once again!!! i noe tat my frens r praying viv me too!!!!

happy new yr!

HAPPY NEW YR!!!!!!!!!! finally its oredi 2008 n i m hoping start a new peaceful, happy life....... like a msg tat i received "2day is d last day of 2007, so at d beginning of 2day i create tis msg to u! we take tis day to think back thru 364 days which has passed. take out all d bad, evil n ugly me luck, tots n memories n leave it wit 2007 as it pass by n welcome 2008 wit much gesture in order 2 hv a better yr ahead wit gd, holy n best of luck, blessings n wishes." if i were to think back thru of the 364 days which has passed, it really hurts me so damn much! i guess i wld rather leave those painful memories as it is n pray hard tat i can erase all tis memories in time to come so tat i can lead a happier life...... tis evening i had a conversation viv him n in the end, i got so irritated..... up til now, he kept saying tat he is very bz viv his job n tat now he is not in penang but in juru n going to nibong tebal to pick up customer's car..... when i asked him bout yesterday nite, he said tat he was in butterworth.... but i saw his room light on last nite when i so happen to pass by his rented apt n guessed wat he said to me...... he said tat he din even come back last nite n he overnite in butterworth in his office....... then he scolded me tat he really dun noe wat i really wan n tat i keep putting words into his mouth when he is trying to tell me the truth n insist tat he is telling to truth to me..... but to me, i m feeling very uneasy n had an xtremely strong feeling tat he is lying....... tats how it got me so irritated.......

even though we hv broken up, a part of me is still hoping tat he wld come back to me after everything has settled n fulfil his promises to me n tell me tat he is sorry to hv let me gone thru all tis hell viv him n tat he wld care for me the rest of my life like he promised at the 1st place...... but a part of me keeps telling myself tat he is a big liar n tat being viv him is asking to go thru hell much worst than wat i had gone thru...... during the conversation tis evening, he even said tat he wld come find me when he is back in penang to give me my bday present...... at times, i really dun understand him....... if he had meant his break up viv me, y wld he still wan to give me present on my bday? y wld he still keep tabs of me? y?