the true meaning of love

L.O.V.E. wat exactly is the meaning behind the word "LOVE"? used to blieve in LOVE but now i dun... LOVE is jz a lie.... LOVE is jz a past time.... LOVE is the EQUIVALENT OF HURT! LOVE is oso a waste of time, money n effort.... as a buddhist i shd blieve tat the buddha has everything planned for us but i guess he mz hv forgetten bout me cos he's been xtremely bz planning for too many ppl. so he had me in the learning class where i wld actually hurt to learn, hurt to learn n hurt to learn until he is done planning for everyone in the world oni he will plan for me..... but by then i wld hv hurt n learn for infinite times til i m oredi exhausted n had no more strength to go on viv his new plans for me anymore.... though tis relationship hurts me worst, i blieve i wld still come out fr tat in time to come.... if there's a potion tat can erase sum memory, i wld actually drink it for i wan to erase the 2 yrs fr my mind.... everyday i wake up hoping tat day by day i wld erase a little bit of the past n replace it viv new, happier memories but i guess it will hunt me still for a time being.... but no matter how, i blieve tat i get thru all tis after awhile....

i really do not understand him at all.... he chose to ask me to leave him n not care bout him n yet, off n on when i do not tell him everything anymore, he wld scold me for not telling n asking y i din tell him.... wat exactly does he wan fr me? wat exactly is going thru tat pig head of his? he was the one whom asked me to leave him n not care n though it hurts so damn badly n after so long of his request, i finally did it but he keeps coming back.... he comes back n lied again n again.... ever since leaving him, his words to me were oni lies.... all i cld think of him was jz hate.... i hated him for i hv bcome.... hated him for wat i hv turned to be..... hated him for all the hurt tat i chose to overcome viv hoping tat it wld lead us to better future but din turn out the way it shd b..... most ppl say tat in a relationship, we mz not hold on too tight for it will fall out.... instead we mz learn to loosen the grip so tat it will stay.... though i blieve in it, i oso blieve tat if a person wans to change, no matter ur grip is tight or loose, he will still change.....

in conclusion, the lesson tat i learnt is to protect myself.... being selfish is no longer like it used to b..... being selfish is the best way to protect myself fr hurt.... i guess tis is the best way to go......

really dun understand guys...... broke up oredi la, do i still need to rpt to him of all i did, when i m on leave n wat happen to me ma? y mz i tell him? is there a gd reason to tat? frankly i din even wan to tok to him if its not bcos of my car..... he owes it to me to do my car......... sumtimes i dun understand...... tis is the relationship tat ends in the worst way n hurts me the worst but i got thru it after i went to genting....... now even tokking to him oso dun feel like it at all........ even though i still feel the twisting of heart at times when i tot of 'us' but the feeling is no longer as painful as it was b4........ b4, even the tots of breaking up twisted my heart so badly tat it hurts for quite sumtime after thinking....... even the painful n hurtful memory hurts me to the core........ now, i oni jz wan to erase all those tat happened in the 2 yrs......... i wld rather tat i din noe him at all....... if oni i cld turn back time, tats one of the thing tat i wld do - wld rather not noe him at all, wld rather tat i din get too close to him other than a fren......... at least i wun hurt tis bad.........



now on, the road tat i chose for myself to walk on actually does not include anyone else xcept myself..... mayb being selfish is the best way for me for i will hv wat i wan n do wat i wan to do..... b4 tis doomed relationship, i never wanted to get a bf cos i felt tat having to rpt to sum1 on everything i did is the most stupid thing to do..... i blieved tat freedom is ours to njoy.... y mz we tie ourselves like tat n lose our freedom....... but it changed when i met him....... tot tat he is the one n i tried my utmost best to change for him but i guess he will never c wat i did for him for he is blinded by others as well as he will never appreciate all my doings for him...... i can choose to hate him viv a vengance but i guess i wun b able to live my life happily....... so i chose to erase everything from DAY 1 to LAST DAY........ i blieved tat to erase needs time but i oso blieve tat i will breeze thru tis in no time........ it may hurt but i guess tats the best way to go......

a mth later

really do not noe how come i hv tis feeling. out of sudden i totally hv no interest in guys. mayb oni for looking but no feelings at all. now i really blieve tat i was hurt to the core tat i felt tis way. i guess now all i wanted for myself is single life's freedom. i hv learnt not to follow a guy's heed n tat it shd b the other way round. i hv learnt tat i shd stand to my point n he shd follow me instead. i hv also learnt tat i shd not give so much in a relationship. i shd hv let him give more. the most important of all, i shd not love a guy at all until i feel tat he is sure n gives all of his to me. mayb tis way i will b happier in the relationship. at least i wun get hurt tis way. the other thing is appreciation. if he does not appreciate me at all then pls go to hell further away fr me. no matter wat, i swear tat i wun repeat wat i hv been thru in the past relationship.



bcos he did not noe the meaning of appreciation, i bcame a fool n suffered tis much. i earned nothing in return xcept blames tat i put him into all tis debts n existing position. watever it is, i jz wan to enjoy the newly found freedom now. i hv been an xtreme fool as he had wanted to end our relationship for so many times. n the 1 time tat he said exactly a mth ago was the 10th time! THE 10TH TIME! no matter how it hurts my heart, i hv had it!!!!! leaving is the best way to go n the best solution for our relationship.



i hv a fren who is in almost the same situation as i m, i told her to do wat others told me to do then but she wld not listen. so i guess i hv to let her learn the way i did. hurt to the core n she will stop in her tracks to let go of all the things. i jz din wan to say more oredi. i understood her pain tats y i jz let her drink all she wanted last nite. i jz hope she can c wat i was trying to tell her soon n come to her senses.

the dream

2 days ago i had a dream. i dreamt tat i met tat bloody bitch who is heavily pregnant on the road sumwhere tat i dun recognise. the moment i saw her, the anger in me rose n i was so angry tat i actually walked up to her, called out her name n when she turned, i actually slapped her in the face. then before i walked off, i pushed her to the ground. i left her to bleed to death n din even bother to help her. in the same dream i even heard tat she married tat idiot n is bearing his child. i got even angrier, i jz walked away... tis proves how much i hated tat bloody bitch! even in the dream oso i wan to do like tis! i guess if tis happens in real life i will do tat lo cos i really hated her so much tat i feel like killing her! i bcame like tis all thanks to an idiot! an idiot who had make a fool out of me!

17days after

17 days later...... i realised tat i totally dun noe wat to say to him anymore....... infact i guess he felt the same too....... for 1/2hr we sat in the car but said nothing....... suddenly when reality hit back tat we were no longer wat we used to b n hv things to say to each other, my tears actually fell.............. if oni we had never started, all tis wun happen n i will still b the happy go lucky self...... for the period of time he din even said a single thing....... until at last he said tat he will try his best to meet me up for dinner tomolo nite tat it triggered my angry nerve...... i got out of the car w/out a word n left viv him screaming bhind me if its ok to meet tomolo nite....... after leaving the car i actually felt tat i did the rite thing....... all tis while i hv been too soft hearted n listen too much to him d........... last nite he said tat he will b leaving pg soon n going to kl to work as he was offered a better deal....... i may hv snapped back at him but i felt tat it will b the best decision done........ although i was hoping tat i cld leave pg but mayb a vacation helped...... his decison to leave may jz b the best for both of us...... ppl say 'out of sight out of mind'..... i hoped tis will apply to me soon......... letting go of tis past far bhind me will do me good for the yrs to come....... lets jz pray tat i will breeze thru tis in peace n calmly..............

KAMPATEI! KAMPATEI! KAMPATEI!

Something Tat I Oredi Noe....... Now

tis is another song tat actually describe my feelings now after i realised wat actually went wrong.......

Backstreet Boys' Something That I Already Know

Here we are
Seven days
And seven nights of empty tries
It's rituals, habitual
But it's never gonna work this time

We're to the point of no return
And along the way the only thing we've learned
Is how to hurt each other
I'm looking back and wondering why
It took so long to realize
That nothing's changed, it never will
All these years of standing still
And still we stay, in all this pain
And nothing's going to make it go away

I don't want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't want to wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know

So save your voice
Don't waste your breath
Can't you see we're at the end?
This goodbye, it's permanent
So wish me well
And try to forget

All the fights
And all the ways
We almost made it
But we never did
And finally it's come to this

I don't want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't want to wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know

We cannot hide what we've become
So sick and tired of being loved
It's done, it's done, it's done

I don't want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby, you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't want to wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
'Cause I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
'Cause I know
'Cause I know

exactly 2 weeks later

exactly 2 weeks later, after all tat happened, he actually msged me n asked if i m angry viv him n even called me twice. but ever since i came back fr genting, even though i din let go of all, i felt as though i hv let go oredi. i dun even hv the mood for all tat he will b saying..... cos watever tat will b coming out fr his mouth will still b lies tat he made up...... even if he insist tat its the truth oso, i guess i wun blieve him now onwards..... i hv been fooled more than enuff d..... i m all cried out for him n now i guess i can finally move on viv my life....... though my heart hurts due to all tat happened but now i blieve tat i live on w/out him..... used to think tat i wun b able to live w/out him but now i guess i will succeed but its a matter of time......... but i blieve i will make it! KAMPATEI!!!!!!!