flash backs!

dun noe y tis few days i suddenly tot of the past tat i vow so much to forget... n my heart aches when i tot over it..... y did it hv to end tis way? is it me who held on too tightly tat he had no room to breathe? is it me who led him to all tis trouble? is it me who gave him too much tat he suddenly realised tat he cld no longer accept? is it me tat made him to treat me tis way? is it me tat said too much but did nth to help him tat led him til the way he is now? is it me tat is not up to his stds? is it me tat does not suit wat he is looking for? is it me tat he hates so much now? as much as i did not wan to remember all tat, it came crawling fr nowhere in my mind n bug me.... bits by bits of wat happen in the 2 yrs n wat he said during our last few mths kept haunting me n it really hurts! watever he said n did tore me into pcs..... even i felt tat i m stupid to keep having hopes tat he will come back to me when he settles everything but i really hv tis hopes!!! when oni will i finally let go? when oni will finally forget? my mistake was tat i put in too much into tis relationship..... tats y i m hurting like hell! i loved him too much! infact i still do! i really dun noe wat he is thinking abt n wat he had intended..... all tat i noe is watever he did n intended to do hurted me to my core n broke me into pcs......... no wonder i cld not wear the ring tat he gave me at all.... the moment i wore it, my finger wld itch n then start to swell...... is tat wat my grandma is trying to tell me? is she trying to give me sum clues tat he is not mine at all? when my finger 1st itch, i din tot of it at all...... but each n everytime i wore the ring n it starts to itch, i got curious.... infact i even tot tat i may not suit wearing gold rings n oso tot tat he may not be mine tats y my finger itch to tell me cos the ring he gave me was to b worn on my wedding finger...... we even tot of registering tat yr when he gave me tat ring....... but now..... sumtimes i really blieved tat my grandma is looking out for me.... cos when in times like tis, there will b sum signals...... now i noe...... if she is still here, i wld not even end up like tis cos i wld not noe him at all...... now all i hope is for me to hv more strength in me to stand up again n climb back up fr the black hole tat i was tossed into n then cut ties viv tis person..... i blieve tat i can lead a better life w/out him...... let him b a part of the past in the life of tis lotus gal forever....... lotus gal will survive! lotus gal will stand up again! lotus gal will succeed! lotus gal will lead a better life than them! lotus gal will get all her hopes n wishes fulfilled! LOTUS GAL HOORAY! LOTUS GAL HOORAY! LOTUS GAL HOORAY! i guess my frens hv been hoping tat i will stand up n forget him...... i guess all my frens hopes for me to stand up n return to being myself once again!!! i noe tat my frens r praying viv me too!!!!