a mth later

really do not noe how come i hv tis feeling. out of sudden i totally hv no interest in guys. mayb oni for looking but no feelings at all. now i really blieve tat i was hurt to the core tat i felt tis way. i guess now all i wanted for myself is single life's freedom. i hv learnt not to follow a guy's heed n tat it shd b the other way round. i hv learnt tat i shd stand to my point n he shd follow me instead. i hv also learnt tat i shd not give so much in a relationship. i shd hv let him give more. the most important of all, i shd not love a guy at all until i feel tat he is sure n gives all of his to me. mayb tis way i will b happier in the relationship. at least i wun get hurt tis way. the other thing is appreciation. if he does not appreciate me at all then pls go to hell further away fr me. no matter wat, i swear tat i wun repeat wat i hv been thru in the past relationship.



bcos he did not noe the meaning of appreciation, i bcame a fool n suffered tis much. i earned nothing in return xcept blames tat i put him into all tis debts n existing position. watever it is, i jz wan to enjoy the newly found freedom now. i hv been an xtreme fool as he had wanted to end our relationship for so many times. n the 1 time tat he said exactly a mth ago was the 10th time! THE 10TH TIME! no matter how it hurts my heart, i hv had it!!!!! leaving is the best way to go n the best solution for our relationship.



i hv a fren who is in almost the same situation as i m, i told her to do wat others told me to do then but she wld not listen. so i guess i hv to let her learn the way i did. hurt to the core n she will stop in her tracks to let go of all the things. i jz din wan to say more oredi. i understood her pain tats y i jz let her drink all she wanted last nite. i jz hope she can c wat i was trying to tell her soon n come to her senses.

the dream

2 days ago i had a dream. i dreamt tat i met tat bloody bitch who is heavily pregnant on the road sumwhere tat i dun recognise. the moment i saw her, the anger in me rose n i was so angry tat i actually walked up to her, called out her name n when she turned, i actually slapped her in the face. then before i walked off, i pushed her to the ground. i left her to bleed to death n din even bother to help her. in the same dream i even heard tat she married tat idiot n is bearing his child. i got even angrier, i jz walked away... tis proves how much i hated tat bloody bitch! even in the dream oso i wan to do like tis! i guess if tis happens in real life i will do tat lo cos i really hated her so much tat i feel like killing her! i bcame like tis all thanks to an idiot! an idiot who had make a fool out of me!

17days after

17 days later...... i realised tat i totally dun noe wat to say to him anymore....... infact i guess he felt the same too....... for 1/2hr we sat in the car but said nothing....... suddenly when reality hit back tat we were no longer wat we used to b n hv things to say to each other, my tears actually fell.............. if oni we had never started, all tis wun happen n i will still b the happy go lucky self...... for the period of time he din even said a single thing....... until at last he said tat he will try his best to meet me up for dinner tomolo nite tat it triggered my angry nerve...... i got out of the car w/out a word n left viv him screaming bhind me if its ok to meet tomolo nite....... after leaving the car i actually felt tat i did the rite thing....... all tis while i hv been too soft hearted n listen too much to him d........... last nite he said tat he will b leaving pg soon n going to kl to work as he was offered a better deal....... i may hv snapped back at him but i felt tat it will b the best decision done........ although i was hoping tat i cld leave pg but mayb a vacation helped...... his decison to leave may jz b the best for both of us...... ppl say 'out of sight out of mind'..... i hoped tis will apply to me soon......... letting go of tis past far bhind me will do me good for the yrs to come....... lets jz pray tat i will breeze thru tis in peace n calmly..............

KAMPATEI! KAMPATEI! KAMPATEI!

Something Tat I Oredi Noe....... Now

tis is another song tat actually describe my feelings now after i realised wat actually went wrong.......

Backstreet Boys' Something That I Already Know

Here we are
Seven days
And seven nights of empty tries
It's rituals, habitual
But it's never gonna work this time

We're to the point of no return
And along the way the only thing we've learned
Is how to hurt each other
I'm looking back and wondering why
It took so long to realize
That nothing's changed, it never will
All these years of standing still
And still we stay, in all this pain
And nothing's going to make it go away

I don't want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't want to wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know

So save your voice
Don't waste your breath
Can't you see we're at the end?
This goodbye, it's permanent
So wish me well
And try to forget

All the fights
And all the ways
We almost made it
But we never did
And finally it's come to this

I don't want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't want to wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know

We cannot hide what we've become
So sick and tired of being loved
It's done, it's done, it's done

I don't want to wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby, you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't want to wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
'Cause I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
'Cause I know
'Cause I know

exactly 2 weeks later

exactly 2 weeks later, after all tat happened, he actually msged me n asked if i m angry viv him n even called me twice. but ever since i came back fr genting, even though i din let go of all, i felt as though i hv let go oredi. i dun even hv the mood for all tat he will b saying..... cos watever tat will b coming out fr his mouth will still b lies tat he made up...... even if he insist tat its the truth oso, i guess i wun blieve him now onwards..... i hv been fooled more than enuff d..... i m all cried out for him n now i guess i can finally move on viv my life....... though my heart hurts due to all tat happened but now i blieve tat i live on w/out him..... used to think tat i wun b able to live w/out him but now i guess i will succeed but its a matter of time......... but i blieve i will make it! KAMPATEI!!!!!!!

almost 2 weeks later

coming 2 weeks oredi n i started to get better as i go on.... now i felt sane again..... finally felt tat i m back on earth n standing on my own feet....... when most ppl welcome single life, i dun..... it felt like hell at 1st but now i felt different..... thanks to the trip i made to genting the past weekend..... as i hoped for, i let go of wat i should when i was there n came back w/out the baggage of hurt. now i felt tat all i did was stupid.... especially when wat i did was to a person who does not noe how to appreciate...... sad? OF COS! hurt? DEFINATELY! chances of getting back? NO! shopping malls used to hv tis tagging tat says "once broken considered sold". well, noe it shd read 'once broken considered done'. frens? i guess i wld rather not keep a fren like tat....... if not, i will b bound to remember all tat he did to me........ mayb not now....... give it 5yrs or more later when i finally forgive him, MAYB i will b able to keep him as a fren..... but now, i dun think so.......

the aftermath of a long suffering

tis past few days was not happy for me at all. we had more quarrels. n it got worst. it seems like he totally din wan to continue tis relationship at all n wan me to leave, no. i shd say he wans me to say tat i wan to break. y when i told him 4 days ago, he laughed at my face n take it as though i was joking but now he wans me to do jz tat. i really do not understand him at all. i went fortune telling last weekend n the fortune teller told me tat he is not mine. at tat moment, i tot i had made up my mind to leave him but when i get back home i found myself din wan to.

i cld still remember those times when he had asked wat will i do if i ever found out tat he had another behind my back. i told him tat i wld leave immediately cos if i go on longer, i will hurt even more but he scolded me for being stupid. he said tat i shd at least fight back cos i might jz get him back cos he may still love me even if he had another. he asked me thrice n my answers was still the same. but when it happened, i had wanted to leave immediately but when i tot of his question n answer, i gave it a try n got myself into tis position now. i felt like i m a bloody idiot to hv followed his answer. i shd hv jz followed my original heart n doings n jz leave. but i didn't n now i m hurting like hell. i fought back like he told me to but wat did i get? hurting words n more hurting words! if i had chosen to leave immediately, at least i wun feel so cheap n used like i felt now after so many hurting words.

it has been a yr since i started to his quest to fight back n now when i looked back, i really felt tat i shd not hv been so softhearted. afterall tat i hv done for him, given him n all i got was all tis hurt which i m not sure will last how long b4 it goes away. i really hope n pray tat i will stand up stronger soon. how stupid i cld b to think tat i wan to marry him n hv children viv him last time when all he wanted was jz a come n go gf viv no strings attach. guys in tis generation hv made me finally truly c tat they no longer follow their parents' generation of looking for a life partner viv love. guys tis generation will never learn how to love, how to care n mayb tats y most gals tis generation actually chose to b a lesbians.

me? i will follow wat i belief n do jz tat. guys to me r nothing than jz needing their sperm for my baby which i will take care on my own. since young i hv alwiz believe tat i will b a single mother when the time comes. i will provide for my child without the help of a husband at all. if i ever have a baby, i will not let him noe at all. he does not hv to assume his paternal responsibilty at all n does not hv to give me any money at all to bring up tis child n dun even need his existance during the growing up period. but i guess tis belief will hv to hold on until the time comes. now, i jz hope i m stronger to stand up on my own go on tis route alone.