14th February 2011

its Valentines Day again n i m alone..... well.... i shd b thankful tat i hv a computer tat i can type out my tots.... i m very frustrated today... shd say i m very frustrated everyday of my life since 3yrs plus ago... when u work viv a partner, we shd b totful not b selfish.... but it seems tat, when i m being totful, sumbody is taking advantage of it n then now, after 3yrs later, i was labelled 'backstabber' indirectly... though unhappy viv her leave records, i blieve she shd hv felt tat her leave records is not beautiful at all n she cant blame me for being unhappy viv it.... yes, health is not sth we can all control but we can take preventive measures so tat we wun fall sick tat often.... infact, sumtimes i really suspects if she does any preventive measures....

well, we shall c things tis way.... let's not jz based on her MCs.... let's jz look at her children.... her youngest son was admitted last yr bcos there was a toy tyre viv a diameter of at least 5cm stuck in his nose!!! jz a few weeks back, her daughter had the earring stud stuck in the earring hole n the earring stud is abt 3cm, n a roundish stud.... n other than tis 2 cases, her children r often sick... ELs, CLs n even MCs were fully taken up.... i noe the diff btw myself n her is, she's got 3kids n i m not even married.... i noe children r easily infected but as a parent, she shd take good care of herself in order for her to take care of her kids!!! wat's the explanation of her MCs then? tats y i alwix suspect how she takes care of herself n her kids....

even her husband oso felt wat i felt too..... once last yr, he said to her bout her alwix taking MCs and even told her to take care of herself more so as not to take so much MCs but i guess, its useless lo.... like she said on her FB post tat "Sihat kita bukannya kita yg minta tapi tuhan yg tentukan".... diff ppl hv diff thinking n diff way of taking care of themselves.... oni god noes if she has been taking good care of herself......

yes, i may hv posted how damn frustrated i was when i was called on friday morning, when my brain was not even awake, n was forced to cancel my leave n go back to work bcos she was on MC.... wat i m frustrated about is my officers was telling tat no1 wans to even help the CSR table!!! u noe, i dun hv a chain tying myself to the CSR table n chair.... y can't they b more helpful? y did they choose to b selfish? fine... n when i finally get back to work, i was given the dirtiest look n worst words to listen by those 'good' customers.... is tat my fault too?? i was forced to go back to work n they shd b thankful tat i actually cancel my leave n go back to work..... n worst of all, i had to survive my day vivout lunch!!!! do u think anybody in my office cared bout tat?? NO!!! no1 cared if i m dead or alive at my table..... did she feel sorry for me? NO!!! instead she indirectly said tat i m backstabbing her!!!! i was so hungry n sleepy n tired n suffering the worst headache for not enuff sleep n did she pity me?? NO!!!! i hv gastric since i was 11yrs old n since then, i'll alwix make sure tat it wun happen again...i will do watever i can so tat i dun hv gastric again... tats taking preventive measures.... even when having sex oso, we need to hv preventive measures la....

but i guess to them, its kurniaan allah, tats y they dun do preventive measures n tats y they hv so many kids n yet they can still survive everyday even though they r poor..... n tats oso y she dun noe how to take preventive measures bout her health lo.... at times, when i m about to fall sick n wans to take preventive measures, i will think "y shd i when she does not even think bout me?"... but in the end, i will still choose to take proper care so tat i will not fall sick so badly..... like chooi ming alwix scold me "u r being to gd hearted!!! since she chor 1, u do 15 la... since she never think bout u, y think bout her?" n i alwix tot, chooi ming is being an old lady alwix nagging at me to do things tat i m not supposed to do.... but now, looks like sum1 is being selfish n not being grateful n instead, pointing fingers when i show my temper.......

all i've got to say is ONI GOD NOES wat i went thru.... when u r still asleep n sudddenly being shoved the phone to answer n was told to cancel leave n go back to work n worst, uses appraisal to tok to u, how wld u feel? ONI GOD NOES wat i felt.... i hv no say but oni to let it b.... its my fault tat i post such a frustrated post.... its my fault for blaming her.... its my fault tat she is taking advantage of me... its my fault to b working viv her.... its my fault for everything tat i hv done.... its my fault tat i m still alive here when i m suppose die a few yrs back.....

wat a valentines day for me..... wat a hokkien cny for me.... wat a rabbit yr 2011 for me.... wat a fucking life i had..... i shd b dead for everything tat i hv done..... if i m gone, then i can take away all the sadness n heartaches tat i caused her.... if i m gone earlier, i wun even hurt myself too.... if i m gone, all tat i hv done wrong wun happened at all......

sorry for all tat happened... sorry for tat i hv done wrong.... sorry for everything....

24th January 2011

its been 3yrs plus and last nite, i dreamt of the fight i had viv him..... n the pain woke me up twice....... so many yrs had past n i alwix hv tis dreams...... can say all those dreams r bad..... all those bad memories came back in dreams to me.... y after 3yrs???? i hope viv tis, all will vanish forever......

16th january 2011

woke up remembering a dream tat i had.... dreamt of my bloved grandma..... the dream started viv me receiving a news to go to my grandma.... n i was at the desa green apartments there trying to get thru the kampung road back to my grandma's hse like last time but it seems tat it was dark as it was nite time n i forgot the route d.... n so i dun dare to take the risk for fear i wun reach my grandma on time.... n then dun noe, i manage to reach the hospital which is i oso dun noe wer but its like at the shoplots like tat.....

anyway, i scrambled up the stairs to the reception to ask which room.... n the lady said room 12... so immediately i ran to the room n as i got nearer, i saw my uncles n aunts outside the room n they were sobbing n wen they saw me, they asked me to quickly go in.... i went in together viv them n wen i reach her bedside, she was asleep n snoring n as i looked at her, my tears welled up n i cant help as i look at her face..... a face which i missed so much over tis 16yrs.... she looked so frailed for she had been working so hard over the past jz to make ends meet for my mum n family...... as i touched her face, she felt like a little child sleeping.... then her blanket slipped n immediately i put it back for her n mayb she felt it, she woke up n took hold of my hand n i cant help crying (even now as i blog tis).... viv her tired voice, she told me to look for a gd bf to take care of me n ask me not to date too long.... if ngam can marry liao...... n then, i woke up liao....

coming 26th jan is my grandma's death anniversary (23rd of 12th lunar mth) .... n i can still remember wen i saw her dead body at home wen the ambulance sent her back home for prayers..... the grandma tat i loved so much..... whom had cared for me since i was born til her death..... i will alwix remember those times wen she was still around viv me....

Ah Ma, i miss u so much..... if oni u survived then, now u will b enjoying life together viv all of us n i will bring u werever u wan to go, eat watever u wan to eat..... Ah Ma, u will forever b in heart n mind..... tq for taking care of me wen i m small..... if oni i cn repay u for everything tat u did for me......

15th January 2011

been feeling very tired since last mth n i m still trying to figure out y..... anyway, i hv passed my CFP M6 n i m on cloud nine..... my lecturer told us tat he dun wan to meet us again the next semester n luckily, i pass in 1 go..... luckily i dun hv to repeat..... originally, i wanted to continue viv my accounting course.... but now, i will take a break tis yr n continue next yr as i blieve i will b hving a bz 2011..... i hope gd news will keep flowing in as we move into the yr of rabbit.... n i hope my dreams will come true too.....

11th January 2011

its oni the 11th day of 2011 n i hv oredi heard few bad news.... the yr started viv my partner not doing wat i hv told her to do since 2mths ago.... n i was like a crazy gal seacrhing for sth tat she had kept but dun recall wer she kept it n i m still searching for it now..... fed up!!!! 2mths!!!! she din even bother to do tat.... its oso her job too!!! cant she jz do her part n give sum space to do my job as well.... though i m a senior, i cant b doing everything on my own when tis is a joint job...... really kanasai.....

then, peng's husband getting worst n currently, she had moved out of his hse after tat cheap lady threaten to hurt her.... i was kinda hoping she wld leave a long time ago cos i can feel tat she is very pressured staying there n a little not sane..... she cant think straight.... but now, i oni can hope tat her things will finally come to an end earlier so tat she finally start over viv her new life...... though these bad memories will stay forever viv her but i hope she will quickly leave all tis n begin over viv her new life n live better than b4....

then, my partner's sudden 3days mc last week n in addition to the job undone, i was so ....... really bo lat.... every1 kept asking wer is the new register n all i can say is i cant even find the stock.... luckily, mr yu found a relief for me n tat really helps a lot... at least part of my job can finish earlier, then i can do more filings.... my filings hv been left undone since end of sept as i was too bz viv other jobs.....

along the week, peng's case got more updates n everytime, its worst than b4.... i can oni pray n hope tat everything will b over soon..... in between, there were sum d news too..... 1st gd news, my fren's court case finally got thru n she is finally free..... i m really happy for her.... now she finally start her life n plan her future according to her wish..... i wish her the best of everything in the future.... hope all her future dreams comes true..... at the end of the 1st week, i meet viv another fren who is getting married next mth..... n as the days drew nearer, we, the frens, r getting more excited n she is getting more pening viv her undone wedding chores... since she is working in kl n her wedding is in penang n ipoh.... so i can oni help her viv sum of her undone chores......

the start of the 2 week, oyi informed tat her grandma was admitted again...... i can oni pray n hope tat their family will b strong...... as frens, we can oni pray n hope her grandma will recover soon......

tis morning, after a day of mc yesterday, while working, i overheard my officer telling a customer tat one of our relief senior officer, a 3mths retiree, passed away yesterday after an accident 4days ago on his motorcycle at the penang bridge.... i was so shocked.. it suddenly made me realized tat life is really short.... he jz oni retired 3 mths ago n baru oni wan to start enjoy his retirement but now he is gone..... tis makes me finally realize tat i hv done sth rite in my life..... traveling..... though is $$$ wasting but at least i hv lived my life vivout regrets.... so i shall go travel as much i can afford so tat when i die, i dun regret....

n i jz got to noe tat wee lee's grandma passed away n was cremated tis morning.... n worst is, during dinner jz now, his mum slipped n fell while tokking on the [hone n walking..... haih..... i hope his mum will recover soon..... if she dun, wee lee will b worried....

all the gd news n bad news come together.... i hvnt had the chance to register the details of 1 event, another happened.... i hope after all tis series of mixed events, the gd news will keep coming as we step into the yr of rabbit..... i hope every1 peng peng an an, do wat oso soon soon li li........ to those who had bad news, i hope all the bad things will end soon n tat everything gd will come...... to those viv gd news, i hope the gd news never stops........ i hope every1 wld take care of their health as the weather is not gd recently (i oso fell sick due to tis) n be prosperous in the coming yr of rabbit....... we all sama sama prosper in the rabbit yr ya!!!!!

10 nov 2010

I m so moodless today... Y is tat so????

26th sept 2010

I FINALLY GET U!!!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! today, i finally got my 3gs.... can't wait to start using.... now its charging n my upgraded plan can start using tomolo evening onwards... yippeee......