14th February 2011

its Valentines Day again n i m alone..... well.... i shd b thankful tat i hv a computer tat i can type out my tots.... i m very frustrated today... shd say i m very frustrated everyday of my life since 3yrs plus ago... when u work viv a partner, we shd b totful not b selfish.... but it seems tat, when i m being totful, sumbody is taking advantage of it n then now, after 3yrs later, i was labelled 'backstabber' indirectly... though unhappy viv her leave records, i blieve she shd hv felt tat her leave records is not beautiful at all n she cant blame me for being unhappy viv it.... yes, health is not sth we can all control but we can take preventive measures so tat we wun fall sick tat often.... infact, sumtimes i really suspects if she does any preventive measures....

well, we shall c things tis way.... let's not jz based on her MCs.... let's jz look at her children.... her youngest son was admitted last yr bcos there was a toy tyre viv a diameter of at least 5cm stuck in his nose!!! jz a few weeks back, her daughter had the earring stud stuck in the earring hole n the earring stud is abt 3cm, n a roundish stud.... n other than tis 2 cases, her children r often sick... ELs, CLs n even MCs were fully taken up.... i noe the diff btw myself n her is, she's got 3kids n i m not even married.... i noe children r easily infected but as a parent, she shd take good care of herself in order for her to take care of her kids!!! wat's the explanation of her MCs then? tats y i alwix suspect how she takes care of herself n her kids....

even her husband oso felt wat i felt too..... once last yr, he said to her bout her alwix taking MCs and even told her to take care of herself more so as not to take so much MCs but i guess, its useless lo.... like she said on her FB post tat "Sihat kita bukannya kita yg minta tapi tuhan yg tentukan".... diff ppl hv diff thinking n diff way of taking care of themselves.... oni god noes if she has been taking good care of herself......

yes, i may hv posted how damn frustrated i was when i was called on friday morning, when my brain was not even awake, n was forced to cancel my leave n go back to work bcos she was on MC.... wat i m frustrated about is my officers was telling tat no1 wans to even help the CSR table!!! u noe, i dun hv a chain tying myself to the CSR table n chair.... y can't they b more helpful? y did they choose to b selfish? fine... n when i finally get back to work, i was given the dirtiest look n worst words to listen by those 'good' customers.... is tat my fault too?? i was forced to go back to work n they shd b thankful tat i actually cancel my leave n go back to work..... n worst of all, i had to survive my day vivout lunch!!!! do u think anybody in my office cared bout tat?? NO!!! no1 cared if i m dead or alive at my table..... did she feel sorry for me? NO!!! instead she indirectly said tat i m backstabbing her!!!! i was so hungry n sleepy n tired n suffering the worst headache for not enuff sleep n did she pity me?? NO!!!! i hv gastric since i was 11yrs old n since then, i'll alwix make sure tat it wun happen again...i will do watever i can so tat i dun hv gastric again... tats taking preventive measures.... even when having sex oso, we need to hv preventive measures la....

but i guess to them, its kurniaan allah, tats y they dun do preventive measures n tats y they hv so many kids n yet they can still survive everyday even though they r poor..... n tats oso y she dun noe how to take preventive measures bout her health lo.... at times, when i m about to fall sick n wans to take preventive measures, i will think "y shd i when she does not even think bout me?"... but in the end, i will still choose to take proper care so tat i will not fall sick so badly..... like chooi ming alwix scold me "u r being to gd hearted!!! since she chor 1, u do 15 la... since she never think bout u, y think bout her?" n i alwix tot, chooi ming is being an old lady alwix nagging at me to do things tat i m not supposed to do.... but now, looks like sum1 is being selfish n not being grateful n instead, pointing fingers when i show my temper.......

all i've got to say is ONI GOD NOES wat i went thru.... when u r still asleep n sudddenly being shoved the phone to answer n was told to cancel leave n go back to work n worst, uses appraisal to tok to u, how wld u feel? ONI GOD NOES wat i felt.... i hv no say but oni to let it b.... its my fault tat i post such a frustrated post.... its my fault for blaming her.... its my fault tat she is taking advantage of me... its my fault to b working viv her.... its my fault for everything tat i hv done.... its my fault tat i m still alive here when i m suppose die a few yrs back.....

wat a valentines day for me..... wat a hokkien cny for me.... wat a rabbit yr 2011 for me.... wat a fucking life i had..... i shd b dead for everything tat i hv done..... if i m gone, then i can take away all the sadness n heartaches tat i caused her.... if i m gone earlier, i wun even hurt myself too.... if i m gone, all tat i hv done wrong wun happened at all......

sorry for all tat happened... sorry for tat i hv done wrong.... sorry for everything....